Accepting the Type of Mother I Am

There aren’t many examples of stepmoms in the media and there aren’t many conversations about stepmoms in general. Growing up, I knew what it was like to have a stepmom, but not what it meant to be one. A quick google search will reveal there are many types of stepmoms and they all have differing opinions about their role.

Because of this, its easy to be hard on oneself. It’s easy to have high hopes, visions of saintliness, the expectation of perfection … and many moments of self doubt. Did I handle that right? Did I say that wrong? Do I give them enough affection? Should I be more involved? Do they like me? Am I the stepmom I want to be?Except, those are all the wrong questions.

As a young adult I rarely had a clear vision of the mother I wanted to be. It was all black and white, right and wrong, hunches and biases based on my experiences as a child. Rather unfairly, it took me a long time to accept my mom and stepmom for who they are. Like most, I expected a kind of godliness in them but couldn’t pin down what needed improvement. Now I understand this isn’t something I could judge from the outside.

In recent years, I’ve realized a very important thing: people are rarely good or bad. They’re varying shades of grey. They’re human. And my part in a relationship isn’t to judge that, but to do my best to accept it and move on. It’s only fair, then, that I give myself the same consideration.

You see, the hardest part about being a stepmom hasn’t been the situation, an ex or even the ways my life has changed unexpectedly. The hardest part about being a stepmom has been accepting myself as a mother. Imperfect and prone to mistakes, but earnest – I rarely end up being the mother I wanted as a child and that’s okay. No one really could be.

Stepmoms and moms are emotional, we get tired, we can change throughout the day because we lead very complicated lives. Sometimes we yell, sometimes we cry, sometimes we remain perfectly calm and get everything right. Sometimes we stick our kids in front of the television and sometimes we encourage them to read; sometimes we eat home cooked meals and sometimes we buy fast food; sometimes we couldn’t imagine doing anything else and sometimes we wonder what our lives would look like without children. The key is being okay with all of these things and expecting nothing more. 

If I can’t accept the mother I am, separate from my childhood fantasies, then I’ll only continue to get stuck. It’s acceptance that makes room for possibility, love, abundance and peace. And don’t we all deserve that? Being an imperfect stepmom doesn’t mean I’m a bad stepmom. It means I’m a mom.

xx
Em